Stop Blaming Butterflies (part 4)

“They dont’t know, what the *shit is goint on.” Read, write, review the true record, and respond. Paternalistic, power gone ‘wrong.’ Racism = not hot for an old stock.

Ain’t hot to see a ‘older guy, braggin’, co-dependant on a Chinese tea. SOVEREIGNTY, isn’t that what you taught me, party G-O-D..? Pay the fairy man, baby. Be in autonomy, honesty, respect other’s timing! No wrong answers, just admit wrongdoing. Stop, blaming Barbie’s, just doint night hours, to provide for her flowers.

Indian giver. Time thief.

Nootka ‘98

He can’t recognize a good rape.

The ‘big’ D… which one?

Incorporate all your era’s, to realize your reality.

Racial objectifier’s are deniers, gaslighter’s. RSVP, to pls be respectful of humanity.

Grateful for the hateful.

Alternate angels may appear at the Lone Resort.

Creep show’s at 5.

Hey mister! That’s my sister.

No right to Break my Light.

Statutory, what a glory.

Meeting myself, in I. Always, aligning w my Star Tribe. Forgive, w shields. Believe, let go.

Ioncane powder.

Ain’t from a reclinin Buddha. Aware of the awareness.

Your mother’s lunch.

What if, I knew you coming…I wouldn’t bake you a cake!

“Damaged good.

Quarter for your fortune. Expresses need + greed for a Chinese tea.

Repulsed by your arrogance, P.H. How at a loss, for your racist, sexist actions. Heartless. Safety, much. Aren’t you in community? It’s not about you. Common sense, an amends. Thx!

Every situation, properly perceived is an opportunity to heal.

I feel so Blessed to be Best.

Find the angle, see out of the tangle. Embrace Life.

It’s all been a flow. Don’t stop, just go. Continue, contribute to your glow.

Totality, of your reality.

Invoke action to End distraction. Carry, on.

S.M. call’s his gf “the Korean.”

The Belief of Belief.

Guys who reward racial objectification-bad-annoying type’s, frighten me, wrongful, so difficult to see. Seek enlightenment or a point to life, stop hiding or pls just be more kindly! An unhealthy concoction is ugly for everyone. Your mentally ill asian “women” bullied me. No offense, P.H. and S.M., just don’t don’t get it. Sorry, you hate priviledge! Thank for all the gaslighter’s, I won a fight that I wasn’t even trying to Ignite. Nothing personal, I’m just at a New Level.

Sexual trauma “unhealed” in childhood, S.M. Self-proclaimed. Not a crime, son to be a victim. Try, to hea & not put abuse out into the planet.

Band’s never getting back together…Party’s at 5.

Voluntary.

Step into the eye of the Storm.

Your station is a drug of a nation. Praxis, use integration. Time, space. Value. Let go, of sub-frequency. Listen as the wind blows.

Could you pls not do that? I’m not playing that game. I already won.

Stop Blaming Butterflies (part 3)

Group think is not a wink. Change your Life. Stop obsess’ions w other’s. Get optimal w your world. Righ time. Right mind. Know “why”. Don’t waste time, on the opi’s of other’s. Respect. Self-protect. Direct.

You give to life. Life gives to you.

The future is in the Present. Mind. Be Kind.

If you want what you want, you can get + give what you got.

Addiction is Ambition in the Wrong direction.

Even if you soley Walk w a few, pls Walk w a True.

He got as fat as ‘S.M.’ Both tried to ! me, wouldn’t hand me a proper emergency, okie dokie. 9-1-1- aren’t you g’uys in “hospitality”? ~Hi S.M., I’m scared. The dogs are barking. Which dogs? Which digs? Natalya

Crisis to S.M. on November 20, 2020, 7:30am.

Into the Great Wide Open.

Xmas greeting, sent to “S.M”w out a word. 4 yrs, no calls.

Agency, pls, not Apathy. Be wary, of irratioinality. Peer reviewed. Question’s existing. Adhere to basic practices.

I am productive w my trauma. I am a good Earth mama. Men who sin, don’t like the mother of their kin.

Creation. Try, Sobriety. Start over, if you’re out there.

Best form of Validation is an “idiot’s” attempt at Invalidation. Be aware, ski w care.

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.

Healing is a Feeling. Star Crisis, dusk to Ice’s. Keep the car running.

Stop Blaming Butterfies (Part 2)

Onwards, or waywards. To thine own self, Be True. Have the Courage, to try a new.

Engage, and Evolve.

Hyprocrites, in the midst. Stand up to (Racism) & Pyschotic (Senseless) Violence, caused by arrogance. Victmied. Exploited. Nobody’s Jealous. Stop Blaming Butterflies. Disloyalty. Misaligned. Illogicial. Not noble. Immorality, affected my Sanity. Betrayers, misbehaviors, liars, and self-denial of part-Native white guys. Why so entitled, yo? Integrity, pls. No Values. “Trouble at home.” It works you work it!

Participate, don’t hate. Co-create, se what equates. Relate, be great.

Don’t quit before the miracle happens.

Time Marches On.

“Fight the good Fight. Keep the Faith.

Mantras, and meaning in the Morning.

Don’t pursue what he can’t continue.

Same planet. Many path’s to one. Diffferent platform’s. As you start your Star mission pls be mindful of Full Field. Treat every space w right-mindedness, respect and observe logic. All eyes on we. Non-stealing. Non-harm. Truth. Self-defense, only.

Show your work.

In no particular order.

Commit t, Cuo your commitments.

Reckoning.

He picked me, only to poison me.

Culture of Believing, Culture of Feeling, you don’t have to believe what you don’t to. Autonomy, of the Mind.

It’s a process of feeling. A process of healing. Angel care.

Do it on own your time.

When you’ve done nothin wrong, say it strong.

“Out beyond ideas of wrong and right there is a field.”

“I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi.

Putting on the Ritz.

Stop, attempting to control others. End jealously, pls.

10, 000 joys

10, 000 sorrows

Don’t go rapin’ waterfalls

Why rape me, just to hate me?

Racist wife, Racist life. Happy Housewarming, Theif’s of the Island. Real estate, novel? Stereotype’s, his bite. Unfortunate’s, Inappropriate residents. Try loyalty. Pls don’t do any further harm to Crown BC.

Can’t do da time, Don’t do da Crime.

“Annulment.” What a concept. 1994, September 22. “Friend’s 20 yrs. Do the right thing. Don’t lie, dont’ cheat and don’t steal. Peace & Light!

Don’t ask of us, just allow. Spirit game.

Acceptance.

“He believes he can fly.”

We walk w what carries us, we walk w ourselves.

…act’s like I care, in a dimension, say where? Better, there.

If you can’t be on Earth. Get out of the Race. Keep it clean. Give space. FAITH.

You already know everything, don’t always have keep looking. Realize, it’s here. Awaiting.

Love thy MOTHER.

Stop Blaming Butterflies

Wake up to you own Dream.

Time in a Bottle.

I overthrow my Starlord. 808’s & Narc-breaks.

Me too

Don’t hunt the Witch you want. She didn’t start the fire.

Wind cries Mary.

I know what you did last summer.

I am the night shift.

The wrong random Canadian girl.

What if no one got it wrong.

We’re all just walking each other “HOME.” Ram Das.

The Time is Now ‘43 + Embracing. Drop irrelevancies. Rise, to see. Loyalty, service. It’s good to be here, where I be.

Please be Kind. Respect my Mind. Free to be, 43. Pyschology safety.

Swish, swish.

Natalie knows how to say Kind Regards. How do you talk to an angel?

THIS leads to THAT. I ain’t afraid of no ghost. Hot for “not” teacher. Erroneous George.

Every moment is meaningful! Innocent chick. Stand up to oppression. Regards Always XOXO #traitors

A “chinaman” came riding. Rise above racism + psychological + emotional. Violence.

Portal of Us.

It’s Saturday, somewhere. Believes. 6th sense. I see “Live” people. The Seat of the Soul is a book by Gary Zukav, on multi-sensory. Percpetion. Circa 1986. Including a system of going beyond a 5x senses, Materialism, to serve the Soul. Or rather, overcoming the personality. Whole. Evolution. Imagination. Alignment. It’s a reality, today. Power of the Unseen. Forgive. KIND. Respect. Amends, or to not avoid. Show up, grow up, Reasons. Reconciliation. “Computer Love.”

Grow a Brain. g*lights 7 ain’t a Heaven.

Right to Light.

World keep turning.

Hearts + Thoughts.

Enjoy this stage of the day, G bear.

No hope for gorilla, accountability pls, show responsibly.

Actions speak louder than words.

INTEGRITY.

Trust in your experience. To adapt, and arrive at a place. Release, other’s expectations. Rest, assured. Supersede.

Cents? Com’mon sense. Horrifying, offensive.

We know he “like to travel in pairs.” #schizoids

Chase those waterfalls, on your way.

EMPATHY.

To try, is why.

Lik the desserts, need the rain. If you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga, if your have 1/2 a brain. “Could you pls close the door to the fridge”. You may wish to consider a piece of fruit or a vinyasa series. Cheers!

If you’re in Presence, you’re always in Past, Present & Future. Continuity. Release, all otherwise layers. Give rise to Moment. Embrace, what is. Practice, letting go. Non-attachment. To people, placs and things. Resist a sense of control. Accept powerlessness. Allow, Spirit to guide. Beauty. Earth. Being is. Autonomous. Ascension is a Path. Humility. Non-Stealing. Loving. Kindness. Compassion. Levity. Inntentions. Knowledge. Emancipation. Allow, no expectations. Boudaries. Bold. Let go.

Transcend. Conscious. Hold it. to Release, let go. Oneness. Self-Comparison. Relative to Relative. It’s a Wide World.

Puppy Surprise. Plain English, pls. Tell her what she’s won!

The “Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

1. Be Impeccable w Your Word.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions.

4. Always Do Your Best.

I find it’s a simple, yet respectful way of Life to practice.

Stay in Solution.

The Common Denominator is Unconditional. Care, accordingly. Release, as requried. “Return to Love” is a book by Marianne Williamson about choosing love over fear. Meanwhile, the neutral mind is what I practice in Yoga Nidra. Holding opposite’s, to arrive at Balance. Keep, an open mind. Get off glue, think broad. Stay out of Riverdale. Tidy up, your Belonging’s. Don’t pray to false God’s, albeit for whom the bell toles, may $$$. Stand up, get up. Dollar, dollar bills yo.

Depression: Time Not to Pretend

Depression can feel like a negative psycholoy supporting only limited beliefs about yourself which can be surmountable or untrue. Expectations from others, or compairsions in life overall can add to inner demons of the human experience. Certain times, these are not real.

Depression can end when you take time to notice these repetive negative beliefs, take time to step away from an environment where stress can exaherbate the headspace holding the beliefs and/or gradually reprogram your thoughts to support a productive belief system.

I recite affirmations every day:

I am thankful for my sleep.

I am on an endless journey through infinity and there is plenty of time. All is well.

I bring light with me whereever I go.

Depression can arise from a childhood abandonment wound or an impluse to sef-harm. Given the genetics of addiction, a substance use disorder can incite triggering an episode of depression.

Treatment can include sobriety by virtue of a 12 step program or alternative, at a facility or at home. Psychiatric services, in the way of clinical diagnosis can offer support in the way of a prespriction. Today, pharmacology is very common.

Addressing the root of a problem is up to the individual as such I believe identifying with a substance use disorder and depresssion is a blessing. Why? Because it’s afforded spiritual and supernatural experiences, and I’m survived to this day.

Art comes from pain at times, and at time it doesn’t. The perception of any experience is the power of the perception. Knowing how to look at your life is where the agency exists.

“If you want to be someone, if you want to go somewhere. You better wake up, and pay attention.” Reservations? Have a seat.

Inventory, and alignement. Support and the willingness to seek it no matter what you feel your issues may be. Some people call me a Space Cowboy? YYJ….

When your number’s up, your number’s up. Witholding is not the way to joy. Overcoming fear is possible, by feeling it until it’s gone. Trauma can create fear in the body, and mind. Using rational objectives is important to cognitively know, and show why a depressive thought pattern can block the channels of peace. You don’t have to live in despair. Set reasonable results. Friends do care. Still there.

Focus on what you have. Not on what you have not. Freedom comes in being kind to your own mind. I wrestled with my thoughts quite a lot till one day, it clicked with me that I could commit to a good place. Sobriety, aloting that reality. Observations, to support moment to moment wellness. Sanity, as seen in simple self-care. To acknowledge there is a reason to try overall, is a start in itself. How? Honest. Open. Willing. I question existence, to a degree. In the end it’s about the relationship I have to the elements, on Earth in my Life. To interact often with Ocean, the Forest and the beach in my local geography is Healing.

Stay in tune.

The End of Oppression: Reclaim the Rose

“Natalie, I’m sick of this!” Shawn exclaimed violently, as he stood up, and threw a pen at me. It was on a night shift at our employer at a four star Hotel in Victoria, B.C. in March 2020, and the world was awaiting news of the recent outbreak of corona virus. The band broke up about a year ago, and by that I mean Shawn and I went to Vancouver, B..C. to see Fleetwood Mac, and things were just acting accordinly. It was a once of lifetime experience, at the Hyatt Regency, a boot legger at 4am in our double queen room, a maginifent concert and a dinner on Robson where we got a free appetizer for being “cute”, and Shawn’s smokes. In returning, end of year in 2018, I got sober. Let’s just say, he, did not. Office fuctions returned to pre-pandemic “normal” and by the time the world was watching for a next corona update, Shawn’s and I’s friendship was a viurs itself.

It is oppression to deny a person’s reality, by virtue of using a prohibitive ground such a gender or race to put someone down. Shawn got an asian girlfriend who was intolerrant of our friendship, so I got denied as twin flame, and in 5x years it hasen’t been the same. He chose to enable that so I just got on with my tract and faced the facts.

The oppression I got from the shut out of our friendship, was painful as it dictated I wasn’t good enough. Despite common interests, s a measure of my race. I had to obliterate any negative psychology, as Shawn aggrandized his new relationship, everywhere. I suffered emotionally & mentally. I was separating from my ex-husband at the time. My family status, although very real to me legally, and experiencially seemed to pale in comparisson to his new thing. Not a competition Shawn, hey’ didn’t you just show up on my parent’s lawn? Thanks for your help in moving, MacAdams. Sorry, you didn’t care to help in a emergency, what’s your reasoning?

Healing came when I faced I could not write this one off as painful as it is. Hating’s bad.

If you see something, say something. VALUES. I’m grateful to at a meeting of alcholics anonymous. Welcome back to Victoria, Natalie. ‘Og.

The Person Inside the Picture

“What you see is what you get sweetheart.” Something, to question everything. The perception is the portal. Why believe what “they” believe, about YOU when a voice from your inner self says to be true. Think about what you think about.

On the subject of seeing, discrimination is treating someone unfairly or worse because of their “personal characteristics”. Sometimes people see others in a light from their own wounds, projecting an unfair reality onto an honest, wholesome and healthy person. Someone else’s faulty perception of someone, particularly in a regulatroy environment is a danger to a person as bad behavior can erup, regurlarily is to be reported. “HI MY NAME’S STEREO MIKE.” Okay, I believe you. Why would you not? It’s on my Facebook’s, sweetheart. Can I get a f* you? Did you peak in high school or is it‘92, tomorrow. Gentlemen don’t prefer blonds as her name’s not Nicole, yet I always love a good mink stole. Please refrain from blaming feminity, as that is the root of e-v-i-l in humanity. Why not talk to angels the way he do in a Nicholas Cage movie, City of Island’s, B.C.

Don’t deny another’s reality if yours is shitty. Why not just let pretty be pretty? Svadhyaya, the Sanskrit word for self-study, or self-sight is one of 5 niyamas of Yoga’s 8 Limbs . To those who wonder what’s within them to discover, I recommend a solitary time to get to know one’s own mind. In a myriad of what is the modern world is, to study oneself by virtue of introspection and reflection is key to evolution. Furthering the planet by way of contribution by self-knowledge to a greater whole, is admired Selfishness is sad. Treating others with respect in the world is a brave yet basic thing. Why be aggressive, when you could just turn in to observe yourself as a being? Harmony, from within rather than wreaking havoc in our neighbour’s homes. No crimes tonight, MacAdams. Co-dependency is not the frequency. Change the station, it’s Brittney bitch. SWISH SWISH.

Return to Manitoba: Mother's Above the Fray

I watched the Wizard of Oz online, last night. I was so comforted and amused all over again by the plot, the actors, and visual aesethic. What struke me most at one point was how the witcked witch is against Dorothy, on her travels, explictily because of her innonce. A predator on her path, unhealed and unwell is attempting to scramble Dorothy, who is baffled by the e-v-i-l creature, as this person is using her, Dorothy’s, good nature against her. I could totally relate, as a babe in woods type, oops, sorry, that’s annyoning. Simply, I wear my heart on my sleave, and am at times, am referred to as naive, yet still I am skeptical of people, as I see.

Types of people who may do this to me, for example, have their instincts ‘off’ as they are living lies, are not clear with their family-of-origin story, and otherwise may be in a sexuality crisis. These people, thus prey on innocence to get their own problems adjusted in an unfair, unsafe way, and, often in a “controlled environment.” Not unfar from Dorothy’s nemesis are“flying monkey’s”, themselves as threatening to the sanity of others. It’s a lazy, inappropriate, uneducated thing to do, to avoid looking at themselves by projecting onto others. Operating out of denial, these types of people avoid internal scanning that could lead them to process the issues rather than act out on innonence. It really should be illegal, and as long as it occurs in the workplace, identified as Bullying and Harrasement it is. Unfortuxzzenately, in my early 30’s, I experienced that as well as workplace sexual violence act by a older man which I played out in a degree of pain until a rescue from my now, ex-husband and. In my early 40’s, as I study employment law in a post-degree diploma program I’ve come to understand the illegal aspects that can cause major upsets in life.

Hindsight is a lucky gaze, to have in life as it means surviving something of a challenge.

“There’s no place like home.” Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz wakes up at the end of the movie to realize she had the power inside of her all along. In my story, a statuatory rape age, narcissict man hurt me at work so painfully that I suffered a psychiatric emergency, one summer on June 9, 2017 and I am resilient always. Surrender, Howells. If you steal the car why not just go for a drive. Please don’t not tip your server or dinner’s not a five. I can see clearly now, the pain is gone.

Somewhere over the rainbow, a bright sunny day.

Year End as 2025 is Almost Here

Pause here, rover. I spent the last day of the year, December 31, 2024 at a Sound Healing, 1 hour session at a local place, in Victoria, B.C. Tonight, I’m reeling in a night at home. By the way, I know a new freedom.

Do you know the way out of a dark time? Stay in it. Perhaps, keep as clear as possible.

Respect your basic needs, and do not upset others, unnessarily. Why, would I not wish for a set of wings that works if I could not go forth and fly? Upset’s in life, from people, places or things unwarrantedly, which came to me, let me overcome various forms of fear so that I could see a greater scope of humanity.

Grateful for the hateful. If you’re reading, this likely is not you. Grateful for the faithful.

I learned to overcome disempowerement via oppression in my mind by committing to a fitness routine, staying involved with people, and reading daily affirmations. When I feel a feeling, within me, I truly, time willing, allow it to be felt to the point of fullness. That priviledge of a “feelings journey”, in my heart-mind grants a knowledge, that is priceless to my evolution.

Sobriety, and clean time’s allowed me the effect that I am re-empowered to who I always desire to me. I am addict in journey, and I am grateful.

Wishing everyone a wonderful new year in 2025! Drop the hate, appreciate. Disclosure, I am overcoming w my voice, my faith, my sanity, my family, friends, and my fitness, “witch hunting”, violently, from human right’s violators, only a few outlier females, and just the couple of men I know who are racial obectifier’s. I am already in a genurine, psychiatric emergercy, recovery, as of February 14, 2022 so it kills my soul I had to experience extra hardship’s as I faught the year as well. Invisible pain, can dress up pretty good, yet just it’s impossible to know what’s on someone’s mind so reminder to refrain from judgement.

I was in a car accident on April 19, 2024 at Ladysmith outside the Dairy Queen to which no one was injured so that I sustained a NDE. I am so thankful to my family, and all my dearest friends for whom I’m inspired by always, on Earth as it is in the Star’s.

Peace & Light! May all beings be well. Be free of personal hell. It gets better if it is or isn’t, record your facts, face it if you’re fearing it and always release the bondage to thy self.

I appreciate that my material needs are met in my Life, so I get to explore theory, style, idea’s and art as I contribute, locally, to roles in mental health & addiction’s as voluntary addiction’s leader in detox and Yoga teacher at the Miracles Rally, Sobriety event on May 11, 2024.

Faith. Compassion. Imagination. Reality. Well-Being.

Sobriety: Setting the Tone for Temperance

Temperance, in the tarot, typically signifies a state of moderation, stabilization or balance. And in my case, self-reliance.  

Sobriety, at 450 days, brought me to back to this as a reality.  

The calmness, where there had been uneasiness, now came a notch more naturally.  Fears fell by the wayside, as I faced life as I was without the once-favoured façade of alcohol.  At this time of my life, temperance framed my eyes.

The changes I noticed were subtle, yet remarkable.  I reflected upon the times where I’ve historically self-soothed with a beloved beverage I'd carefully choose. And, realizing I was searching for the same kind of freedom I’d now feel in sobriety, just in a different capacity.  Searching for a certain kind of high, the high arguably chased in drinking alcohol, (my primary dependency) or in a drug of choice is similar to a high chased in recovery.  That’s been my own pink cloud, I’m witnessing.  Additionally, staying present with a creative path of practice(s). A certain sustainability. 

Escape, yet into the everyday.  Aromatherapy’s oils, music and mantra as medicine. Isn’t that why we seek with whatever we do to drop down deeply and/or elevate up the frequency- whatever the method, whatever the reasoning. To feel something within reach + out beyond our own entirety.

This phase of sobriety for me looked a lot different than the distinctions I’d notice in the first round.  This year and so on stabilized my entire being.  The practices sustain my path.  I was keeping up with my cardio, and increasing my km.  Meditating ritualistically, for 20 minutes on the timer, altered my mind’s hemisphere, organically.  The quality of my chosen partnership changed, actually it was always evolving.  Surpassing my own mental sort of self-harm, I’d started reciting a morning mantra as a practice where re-programming and re-patterning my thoughts significantly shifted my ability to stay well, holistically. 

Sobriety taught me to self-value, when valuing myself before had been a struggle.   

So much changed in my life since my divorce, and as painful as it’s been I’m self-initiating into becoming, an up-level of myself. After the initial impact, now into a few years of the afterlife of “that” life. 

Eventually, I’d realize this pain was worthy of wonder. 

The ease within which these practices presented themselves perplexed me. 

But it also pleased me, with the peace of mind I'm realizing. 

And, I am also so empowered by the ability to sit with all of the pain I’m releasing.   

My suggestion for maintaining self-sustaining practices to serve one’s best-self is this solely: patience. Work with time as an ally, and let go of the hold on the aspired outcome.  Daily effort is required, but so is allowance of each everyday ebb and flow, as the hours unfold.  Self-kindness, self-forgiveness is the baby step by baby step back to the baseline stasis.  Wellness over the long term is a process.  And patience, an act of self-compassion as a primary to all practices.  

Sobriety: Self-Kindness as the Snow Falls

The way I tended to myself this year’s first snowfall, is a testament to how self-kindness can carry one through typically difficult times. 

Facing the snow’s steady element, I summoned every source of self-reliance I saw fit. 

Doing so in sobriety, I secured myself solidly.  The almond milk elixir, with turmeric and toast. Staying warm, I sought solace in myself.  Knowing, that those I hold close are only steps away.  The connections, they kept my stability.  And, today as I gave myself permission to feel what the snow suggested, I settled into sanctuary.      

The snow, a reflection to look inside to what’s truly present. Strolling through the streets to see what the outside offered, in the boots with the fur. Covering up my being so cozily I walked in awe and wonderment of the world outside. 

Staying close to myself, I settled in to hibernation at home.  Sobriety, early into a full year without the substance is always my entirety.  Without the numbing, I’m instead exploring into what’s emerging.  The snow inspires the introspection. What’s to be revealed, within. Beyond the heavy dusting of white weight, a lightness of spirit I feel underneath. Sobriety, where I refrain from sipping.  Instead, I delve into what I’ve been escaping. 

At the root of the void was a request for somebody to sit by my side during the darkest night.  And, even in another's arms, a relationship can still feel out reach. When the dark night envelops having somebody at hand isn’t always a solution to see you through to the sunrise.  At our best and at our worst, we first must walk alone.

And so, this process of practicing self-kindness came in waves.  Triggered, yes, I still was.  Yet, self-kindness showed up in sobriety. Staying with the sensation to pick up anything also known as numbing agencies. I’d scroll through screens and I’d self-soothe through booze. The sensations didn’t disappear but I’d stay with them, sweetly.  And, I’d try and find a light in them to lean into. A light that shone over subtle shifts, and in patterns re-shaped. So that the lows didn’t sink so deeply, and highs held a constancy.  Self-kindness can set off a series of choices, I’d see.

Something about the snow, brings to surface the self-kindness practice I’ve been cultivating.  Everything, softens.  Everyone, gives each other a pass.  We’re not used to this kind of weather here, in coastal climate.  Previously, the heaviness kept my carefree state in captivity.  Yet, somehow this year I’ve managed to stay supported emotionally.  And, this practice keeps my soul at ease, elementally. 

Sobriety, every day with a re-framed mentality rewires my everything.  I’m still programmed to want that next thing, to feel that necessary relief in which a glass of red renders.  But, instead I watch it. The impulse, and I replace it.  With words, with wonderment to what’s within via my own practices.  The yoga, the running up those hills, and the meditations they fill my cup with a warmth I adore. But, I still need top up’s, at times.  The solitude as a teacher, and I seek so sincerely to be sure I’m all set to face the next stage.  Truly, to be sovereign with myself is the surest way to find a sanctuary within the world.  

Deepening into the drifts, my self-compassion develops, and the snow sinks in.  When I lessen the hold I have upon myself as the layers melt away, I am left with a new version of who I need to be, today.

Staying in sobriety, for the sake of self-reliance.  Staying in support, before the breaking point begins.  This is my self-kindness, as a practice.  Sobriety, in these elements is enhanced. When I cease to seek outside myself, I find a wholeness within. 

The Beginning: A Personal Story of How and Why I Came to Yoga

Yoga presented to my path nearly two decades ago. Then, I was introduced to its potential to increase my self-awareness and improve my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. In writing this post I hoped to reflect upon my relationship to my own personal practice. For in spite of yoga’s many benefits, I at one point faced many obstacles within my dedication. Yoga, you see, has always been there for me but I was not always there for yoga.

On a summer’s eve I attended my first class with curiosity and awe along Chesterman’s Beach Road in Tofino, British Columbia. The pristine and remote town along the west coast’s peninsula played host to a community of artists, surfers, natural resources and service industry workers. My role in a resort restaurant gave me a place to earn my living while being new in town, experiencing both warmth and isolation, and living in its self-appointed “end of the road” culture. At the class, I faced challenge and humility but I knew it was good for me. During the walk back to my home along the dusty oceanside path I felt both exhilaratingly high on life and grounded in my entire body. This experience and its aftermath was the catalyst for seeking out more yoga. Tofino’s yoga community was less structured then than it certainly is now yet I was able to attend drop-in classes at the community centre and at the sacred cedar-walled studio.

I had yet to reach a level of commitment required to create profound shifts in mind and body. However, my flirtation with drop-in classes and meditation sessions in the natural light of my bedroom window surrounded by the trees along the Pacific Rim has contributed to why I practice today.

After my time in transcendent Tofino, I allowed my life to lead me to Vancouver where I began to lose my balance. Resettling into my hometown of Victoria I turned to yoga again. And while I wasn’t consistent with my practice it was right there for me when I needed it. No matter how chaotic my life was and how much self-destructive behavior I engaged in, going to a yoga class was the one constant that held the power to reset my self. Evenings on end with a bottle of wine or a search for something stronger were less prevalent when I chose to attend a yoga class. True, there were instances when I would attend class and then feel so good I’d reward myself with a variety of my vices afterwards and why not? But I’d later learn that restraint was where I’d realize my worth. Eventually, the choice to practice led to gradual shifts in recognizing patterns. Thus reshaping my entire reality.

Life still a work in progress, I now potentiate my own path in recovery. Steadily practicing allowed me to honor a challenging yet necessary, vow of sobriety. After experiencing various phases of relapse, I’ve realized recovery is indeed a resolution I require above all else. Today, my sobriety sits at 373 days - over a full calendar year. Being in alignment with my recovery is a rebirth to my best life. Thus, I am able to recognize that the resilience I’ve found is within, rather than outside, myself. Discovering a myriad within myself beyond my dependencies is where I learn how to exist in true sovereignty. So evidently, yoga’s sustainability has always strengthened my self-reliance when I didn’t know how else to serve myself.

Because I was enjoying classes at my local sunlit studio in Victoria’s Chinatown so much I decided to get further involved by applying to do an energy exchange. For a weekly commitment of working as receptionist at Moksana Yoga I received a free unlimited membership. With a more consistent practice I was beginning to understand the responsibility required in improving my own health. Years later after my marriage of 5 years devastatingly disintegrated into dust I’d enroll in my first yoga teacher training program, a dream I’d aspired since my early 20’s. Finally, summoning the sense of autonomy to register. Not overnight but gradually through showing up for yoga I was becoming capable of being my true self.

Where yoga has previously been shelter from the storms I’ve seen it’s now become a new portal to stay awhile every moment I meet my mat. And breathe. While practicing anything involves hard work that takes commitment and discipline it also requires true self-love in each movement with every breath. Cultivating a personal practice, on and off the mat is my labour of love. Yoga, literally meaning “to yoke,” is union, the very thing which connects us to love. I am humbled to realize a yoga practice’s scope of difficulty yet I marvel at its gifts. I prefer the practice’s promise of eternity for there will never be a finish line in yoga. And, right on time I am realizing the relationship to my yoga practice is where I connect with every softness alongside the strength; so that my being may be whole within the world.